The Sin of Hope and a Prayer
Pastors can fall into the sin of "hope and a prayer" when trying to resolve marital conflict.
The problem is that this thin veneer of the gospel has become a defining truth for many in the church. And it is a sin not only in its lack of truth, but in its ultimately hurtful outcomes.
When a marriage is failing due to just "vanilla sin" within the couple, then the gospel holds the compass out of the quagmire.
As I share later, the foundations of the gospel are not the same as "hope and a prayer" -- the way "God will take care of it" manifests itself in common parlance and advice.
And we ended up in that trap.
If there were even the slightest thing that seemed positive despite the deep roots of conflict -- I sit closer to my wife, for example -- that's a good thing. Which it can be...but without examination and extraction, it's just noise.
But that is often how God was introduced into our marriage -- with a hope via prayer.
Prayer is and can be a way of communication, and certainly I would not want to put God into a Box.
But the miracle that God performs is the salvation from our sins....and if there is no identification of what this root is, it's very difficult to pray for a change in outcome.
This is why, at the end of the day, most of the discussions ended up being "symptom identification" -- showing all the issues and arguments and seeking help to resolve it...a peacemaking (False Peace - The Lie that Enslaves) effort. But instead, it would be a request for behavioral change without root cause.
This is why I feel the misuse of the The Four Horsemen of Divorce Give No Hope -- it's basically saying, as we heard ourselves in our sessions, "You are exhibiting bad behavior. Stop the bad behavior."
As you can imagine, this didn't work.
It could be used as a point of concern, for both sides to own: if this keeps up, you're in serious danger. But even that has limited value because, really, both sides know this. It's just that one or both don't want to do anything about it; and focusing on the loss of a marriage that you dislike isn't going to motivate anyone to change.
I's sort of like telling someone who is depressed and suicidal that their diet is leading them to have an early heart-attack. They just aren't going to care to change.
In fact, they may have resigned themselves.
But why do pastors and christian counselors use as the foundation of their remedy "hope and a prayer?"
It goes back to the two ideas I shared before underlying the failure of the church to do much of anything about marriage repair.
They aren't Concerned. Or they aren't Competent.
The hope and a prayer backstop is definitely a sign of lack of Competence. And why should they be? What true training do they have?
In general, very little.
But...wait, shouldn't the Gospel itself hold the truth, given Marriage Reflects the Gospel? I mean, even if pastors aren't trained to deal with marriages (and they aren't, unless they fall into the Therapy will Destroy Your Marriage ideology), shouldn't they be able to reflect back the truth of the Gospel in its context?
And I haven't been able to figure out why this isn't more commonplace.
Other than lack of Competence: the ability to exegete Scripture into the most rigorous and real use case just shouldn't be acceptable.
The other reason is this: perhaps they don't really Care.
In large part, if one relies upon God's "mystery" -- hey, bad marriages happen. Oh well.
This happened to me, as well. Pastors Will Comfort You in Your Divorce
In some cases, this might be a stronger competence zone: comforting you in your tough times.
Divorce is a tough time, and it's a cleaner fallback; very rarely at they good at the more complex skills needed to salvage a marriage, because the gift of Shepherding is often a form of comfort.
But more dramatically and concerning is that for most of the church, "Hope and a Prayer" is the Gospel.
It's a false gospel, to be sure; but it's cozy and warm and fuzzy, and so bring audiences in seats because who couldn't use alot more hope?
But unfortunately, its New Age manifestation odor also attract some segments of the population more easily...and I leave it to you to decide whether this appreciate is gender-izable.
I can safe with confidence the converse often is not true: men aren't likely to say "wow, you prayed it gets better and it will" -- is that a lack of faith?
Unfortunately, it can be; now, I believe having deep faith in what God can do certainly is better than a life of doubt.
But the faith that saves is that Jesus rose from the dead and his death alone cleansed us from all the sin, freeing us in grace alone from death and inviting us into God's Kingdom forever and ever.
This comes first; and if you have a fervent belief in this but have doubt that a spouse that is brought up to disrespect the husband and resorts to insults and anger can be turned around, not by talking about the actual sinful acts and thoughts but by hoping God will take care of it....I'm with you!
The danger of the "hope and a prayer" is that the burden all falls on....you.
Not the pastor. He did his part.
So for this reason, I believe when this ideology (it is an ideology that's a close second to the therapeutic model...but worse) is the mainstay of your marriage counseling, it's not just a lack of Competence.
It's a lack of Caring.
It's a bit like seeing a couple in a boat that's sinking and hoping that a bigger boat will come, perhaps even sending our flares; when you could see that there's a hole in the bottom causing a leak and helping to find ways to patch it.
If they can't see the leak or don't know that you can stuff it something, that would be an issue of Competence.
But if the instinct is to just fire a flare into the sky so that a boat could see it and come to the rescue ignoring the leak and the options to plug it...that's a Caring issue.
Exercises
For Pastors
If you're a Pastor, please take the time, not to breeze past this, but to honestly answer for yourself this question:
- Do you Care about actually building a legacy of healthy marriage couples, to that point that being the comforter in a failed marriage is deep failure and pain?
- Do you think you actually are Competent -- or is it dependent on "hope and a prayer'?
As you go through this material, do some soul searching and pattern matching: how are you actually making a difference?
Or are you feeling good about the gesture to make a difference?
Like the couple from Good Intentions Pave the Path to Hell