Splitting the Baby in Half
The reason why Communication Facilitation is a Fraud when it comes to the basis of fixing a marriage rests on a belief that if both sides say what they want, it's fair.
I do believe that allowing both sides to be aired with the express intention of landing on the truth as a starting point is reasonable, it's not seen this way.
One of the more dangerous undertones is the "splitting the baby" problem.
Under this model, both parties must bear the exact same level of burden.
This is taking the concept of communication facilitation to the next level.
Especially if there needs to be accountability on the wife's side, the counselor will make sure that the burden is still equally held by the husband.
This sounds like it will advance things because it's even.
But it doesn't.
Splitting things evenly seems like the goal to preserve the relationship.
The marriage counselor we worked with operated like this: like clockwork (in all but one egregious case -- Men are Set Up to Lose ) he would hear a concern and try to find something....and make them equivalent.
Now, is it likely true there is often two people who are causing problems and contributing to that problem?
Yes...but that's in the big picture.
Not every interaction is both are at fault.
But this is where the splitting in baby hurts.
My wife, for example, would just express absolute anger, disrespect, and rage -- because I didn't do something she did not express.
She would get angry, and it was clear she never expressed it.
But our counselor would turn to me and say, "how do you feel about how she's feeling?"
If you are a counselor or therapist or pastor and this is your model...you run a tally and think, "Well, this was one thing someone did badly, the other side is evenly wrong, so let's find something so that they are both equally wrong" --- you've made a grave mistake.
Our marriage counselor genuinely thought this was right...but what it means is it because fault seeking for the sake of balance.
This is like seeing a flame on one side of the house and rather than trying to save the house, set fire to the other side to make it even.
Our house was burning right in front of him...and he through gasoline for the sake of "splitting the baby."
Splitting the baby in the story meant kililng the baby.
And thousands of marriage are being murdered or brought to the brink of death as mine was for the sake of "finding fairness" as opposed to identifying the actual issue and addressing it.
If you are seeking marriage counselor, you must know what the process is ... it is faithfulness to the process, the goal, and principles that matter.
And if it's something like "everyone has an equal voice" --- becareful.
Yes, everyone should get a chance to speak up.
But sometimes the scale of truth does, in fact, tilt one way rather than another.
Why do they do this?
I think it is incentives....no one can accuse him of being unfair .... especially the woman who is more likely to do this .... if he always finds a commensuarate fault with the man, as was in my case.
To this day, not a single one of my concerns and hurts has been addressed, and I've had countless meetings with him. There's a blindness that has fallen over the church, and one of the reasons is the depth of the therapeutic worldview in churches. Therapy will Destroy Your Marriage.
How do you know or avoid someone who will choose to split the baby, kill your marriage, for the sake of the appearance of fairness?
I don't know...this is why this is so elusive.
But my approach is that every counselor and marriage coach should have a process, a clear articulated process for how to take a marriage from in trouble to better.
This means starting to get to a shared understanding of foundational, common characteristics and patterns of men and women ( Men and Women -- Different by Design).
Many are actually ignorant of this, because they have been blinded by the notion that all things are equal to mean men and women are the same.
The second is they by now should be able to understand common root causes that lead to problems in marriages.
Causes are not the same as symptoms.
Telling You What's Bad Doesn't Make You Good
Find people who seek life. Not splitting the baby.
The ultimate expression of splitting the baby was when the counselor said we were to stop meeting together as a couple.
I must have gone back to discuss this multiple times -- and he insisted -- to stay the course and DO NOT MEET TOGETHER.
To this day, not a single person, including him, could give me a good explanation for why this would be good.
Are there situation where it could be good?
Sure: very serious.
For example, he told me that he did separate a couple where the husband had an addiction. He was in a separate program explicitly to work on the addiction.
That makes sense.
But this was not the case with us.
But...separation was the default mode. And not just the default mode, but like a strong insistence.
Not even a statement that we are separated for a short period of time and the goal is to achieve something to return.
There was no return date. No plan.
The baby was split in half.
Don't fall for the same error I did.
Here's how to avoid it.
Before things get tough, read something like this together.
Acknoweldge that the 8best* way to work through issues...is together.
That the goal should be...how do we address the needs of the marriage, as if the marriage is a "pet" or a project.
Unlike our counselor, I believe the biblical concept of "oneness" is actually the most important goal to addres...that means despite one's emotions to say, something is broken, I need something to fix it; my goal is to restore to oneness.
I said it.
My wife didn't.
My pastor didn't.
Ask the pastor or coach about the exact scenario.
If they waffle and say, "everyone is different, it depends, it's hard to say, sometimes..." or it is waffling...be careful.
What they are saying is, "It's in the cards, it's a common tool we use, but we know no one wants to hear this up front, but trust me, as soon as things get hard...this is the first thing we will use."
My approach in the groups are different.
I say upfront, "We don't split babies in half. Splitting babies in half is murder. Unlike my experience with coaching, oneness is the goal. Not a false peace. Not someone to feel vindicated. Not someone to let their emotions reign. Not for me the counselor to avoid getting blowback from an angry person.
Oneness is the goal, even in stormy weathers. It means the boat rocks, but we point it and every conversation will be to address what are the hurdles to restoring oneness."
Anything short of that will lead you down the path to death as I was.
Is it recoverable?
Yes, reading about my remedy and the pain we had to go through will teach you much.
If you are a pastor, counselor therapist...and you are steadfast in your belief in separating and splitting the baby...and feel no conviction of how the therapeutic mindset and the false equality lie....please take the time to reconsider.
I hope you feel convicted, that life is the choice....and you are making a dramatic choice.
Consider these words from Moses.
Please choose life, not death, for the couples.
I've been on the other side.