How Churches are Failing Marriages - Part 2
Have you see the sitcom where there's a bumbling doctor or dentist who really wants to take care of the patient...and is trying really hard, but actually ends up harming the person under their care?
I don't remember the details, but the image is in my mind: bumping the patient in the head, twisting their broken arm accidentally, dropping all matter of equipment.
But the doctor is trying really hard to take care of the patient.
It's just that effort is only one part of the equation for outcome in the secular world.
The other side is competence.
To me, Jesus is the ultimate expression of both. Sacrificing himself to be killed at the cross to save all who choose to place their faith of him -- that's effort that very few can replicate.
But that sacrifice wouldn't mean anything if it didn't actually result in victory over sin and death.
Jesus had the ultimate competence: he could solve the most intractable problem and accomplish the unbelievable rescue.
So what is the level of competence of churches with marriages?
Low.
Why is it low?
I'll go into more detail about the sources of this, but first, we need to examine the symptoms.
What makes me believe most marriage efforts are incompetent?
The problem with competence is we must have a standard -- what is competence?
For example, for a heart surgeon, there are standard, proven procedures that have years of history showing successful outcomes. There might be new risky procedures that push the envelope that can also be a sign of competence, but existing procedures form a base-line.
Someone who knew nothing about those things or couldn't do those procedures out of experience and training would be incompetent.
As I'll share later, there are some truths and foundations which can be followed when it comes to marriages, and these likely are not followed in most churches. I'll talk about this because this is the actual foundation of competence: following the known and true.
However, if a heart surgeon followed the practices of a known quack, of someone who had been disproven, of someone who had a string of failures, that also could be a signal of incompetence.
And it is on this thread that I'll share.
Warning: this may shock and scare you, because the conventions in many churches are often mistakenly accepted as good and healthy turns out, to not be.
The first is a focus on feelings. How do the people in the marriage feel is considered the source truth of all things.
And as a result, most pastoral ministers focus on improving the communication of those feelings as the primary method of healing the relationship.
I have experienced how this is a failure. I've studied how this is the prevalent mode -- and also has led to failure.
This is a methodology with deep roots in the therapeutical model ... a model that has now been accepted as the primary form of ministry in mainstream churches. If you keep reading, you'll learn why this has such a stranglehold on churches, it's origins, and the impact.
The second focus is identifying bad symptoms as the means of remediation.
Sometimes understanding the fact that things are better is a good base line.
If we use the medical example, it's good to acknowledge someone has headaches, is vomiting, and shortness of breath. Without knowing the symptoms, you can go to find the root cause.
The root cause is what matters.
But my experience and, this is reinforced by the therapy model, is it often spends alot of time focusing on the symptoms.
The pastor we worked with for our marriage spent time reminding us of the four horsemen of marriages, which was popularized by a secular marriage therapist, John Gottman.
They are symptoms like strong arming, withdrawing, criticism, and x.
But our sessions would go like the following: "See, I see you guys in in these four horsemen, again."
And that would be the end...we would spend our time talking (communicating the emotions), which would hten get us to augment and heighten that communication -- which would reveal the symptoms, and the pastor would point out: "see you guys are again in these four horsemen which predict divorce."
That was the bulk of the session typically.
Three: God will change it miraculously.
At the end of the session, often it would be a prayer -- no real means to act upon it, just that we hope and pray that God would change it.
While we do believe God can do things in the world, there are very severe theological untruths to this assumption. What happens when nothing changes?
It now places the problem and burden upon God solely for some kind of a miracle. It's not that I don't believe that God can't work in it.
It's that I believe churches have an active role other than prayer.
IF all things fall to just prayer, our religion becomes not much different than magical thinking, new age manifestations.
Four: Men are the problem.
This fallacy may not rear its head explicitly stating this...but with several pastors, it tended to land there.
Men will always be held accountable in the marriage regardless of their role, and I will talk about what men need to do in the face of this reality. This is not a good thing that should be reinforced by pastors, however.
This is another theological fallacy, supported by the cultural winds, that will damage society and marriages.
Five: The lure of the 'false peace'
...
Why is it like this?
We've seen two sources of the problem in many churches when it comes to marriages.
The first was insufficient caring: it's not a priority, judging on time, effort, and resources.
Look at the % of hours in sermons, ministry, outreach, and community building.
This shows the amount of effort.
The second is competence: what is being taught and practiced in favor of marriages?
This second one is debatable if one has varying opinions on what makes competence, which is often the cause.
But what is one thing which ties the two together, the one thing which, if used as the basis, could steer the ship?
Doctrine.
Unfortunately, doctrine is the furthest from most people's minds when it comes to relational things.
Doctrine has been kicked into the dusty bin for theologians and divinity school, for tweed-wearing intellectuals and King James quoting fire-and-brimstone preachers.
However, without doctrine, what else do we have?
Jesus is the Word. Jesus is the Truth.
“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” - John 14:6
Jesus is the Truth, and doctrine is the means in which believers converge upon the Truth by relying upon the Word.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made… The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” -- John 1:1-3, 14
Recap
What have we covered in this essay?
- Many churches lack competence in building strong marriages
- The common methods they use don't work because they are rooted in the wrong things.
- The reason for the two types of failure - lack of care, lack of competence - is from a veering away from doctrine
- Jesus was doctrine in the flesh -- so to ignore the truth is to fail to abide in Christ
- Without Christ, the foundation to whatever marital program will fail
In the next essay, I'll share why this should not come to any surprise.
That if we accept that marriage illustrates the relationship between Christ and his church, that the same challenges churches have are being mirrored and amplified in the teachings they have on marriage.